Do You Attract Guys?
I had been sitting in a meeting room for the past hour pretending to take notes, when all I could think about was the new sales manager we hired last week. I mean, I know that what the CEO was saying was really important, but I just couldn’t concentrate. Not with Calvin sitting next to me.
I mean, in all honesty, what was more important, listening to what John was saying, or figuring how to casually ask Calvin if he wants to grab a drink after work? (In case you actually don’t know, the answer to that is the latter!)
Anyways, I was trying – as much as I could – to not listen to Crayon (that’s what Sarah and I called John), as he was walking back and forth, talking excitedly about the new product our company had just launched, and how it would increase the company’s revenue by 8 millions in less than 6 months. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love business (except anything that has to do with accounting and finance) but honestly all I could think about was how good Calvin looked in his Hugo Boss suit! And his eyes. Man, his eyes were the kind that can see all the way to your soul, and his …
“This is so interesting John! Getting Tiesto’s publicist to agree to let us do the advertising for his 2012 tour in order to attract a new target market is such a good idea! You really are a genius!” I heard a girly voice squeal in delight.
Ew! Paris Clark, who else? Of course she was – like always – sucking up to John, pretending to be interested in what he was saying when all she wanted was to get in his pants. And yea, I’ll admit he is ridiculously hot but he was also an ass. Hmm on second thought, those two deserve each other.
, you know this wouldn’t have been possible without your help. Creating that logo and coming up with such a well thought-out promotion plan was what really made getting the Tiesto account a possibility!” John pointed out excitedly. Paris
“Really? You can’t be serious. I thought it wasn’t all that great!”
“Of course it was good
. In fact, it’s perfect!” he replied. “You really shouldn’t underestimate your abilities.” Paris
UHHH! Seriously, how can someone not see that
is one of those people who never underestimate themselves? Isn’t it obvious that all she wants is to be praised 24/7? Paris
I guess not, because the conversation between the two went on for a few more minutes, until John finally went back to explaining some graphs.
Of course at that point,
Paris turned to her best friend , another marketing manager, and they started whispering and giggling. But I didn’t get a chance to listen to what they were saying because at that exact moment I received a text on my BlackBerry. London
I glanced up to make sure everyone was focusing on the presentation, and quickly replied to Sarah.
An hour later, Sarah and I were at our favourite bistro near the office, equipped with two Chicken Caesar salads and two glasses of red wine.
“Why are you still talking about Crayon Jess? Is it really necessary we talk about someone who can’t see that Paris is a fake bitch?” she ate some of her salad, and continued. “Here,” she said excitedly. “This will answer all our questions. Listen to this: ‘Do You Attract Guys? Take the test and you will find out how good you are at attracting guys.’”
“I already know the answer to that,” I replied. “My powers at attracting guys are non-existent, just like my nails.”
“Oh, common Jess. Do you want to get Calvin to ask you out or what?” Sarah asked.
Yes, I did. I mean, he was everything I wanted a guy to be. He was 6’ with short, sandy blond hair and eyes the color of Hersey Kisses that made you melt every time they were looking at you. Plus he looked better than the Hugo Boss models when wearing a suit, a skill that – sadly – very few men possess. And of course, he was always polite, never lost his temper and was the kind of guy that would hold the door for a woman and make breakfast for you the morning after you slept over at his $350 000 apartment in New York. Basically, he was the man of my dreams and we were meant to be together. He just didn’t know it yet.
I knew, of course, that my chances of him asking me out were slim. I mean, what would he see in me? What more than everyone else when they – rarely – looked at me? Long brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin and non-existent nails.
The reason that apart from all of this, I still hoped Calvin would ask me out is because he had actually asked me out for drinks a long time ago. And by long time, I mean 4 years ago when I first started working at Anderson Advertising.
Sadly, I made the mistake of saying no because it was my second day and I thought he was kidding. And of course, with my luck, at that moment, he probably came to his senses and wondered why he even asked me out in the first place.
Anyways, what I mean is what would happen if by some miracle Calvin overlooked my appearance and discovered my inner beauty? What if we were soul mates and, 4 years ago, he knew that but didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to bruise his ego?
That is definitely not impossible. Unlikely yes, I’ll admit that, but not impossible.
The problem is that Calvin never seems to notice me anymore, and he probably has no idea that we are meant for each other.
So, it was up to me to make him see that or else I would be miserable all my life.
“Fine,” I told Sarah. “Start the quiz.”
Sarah was addicted to quizzes and horoscopes and all that stuff because she thought they had the answer to everything and that without Cosmo and other “reliable” sources, we wouldn’t be able to exist. I’ve told her many times that that stuff isn’t always true and that she really shouldn’t rely solely on quizzes and horoscopes but she just won’t listen.
She cleared her throat, and began.
“In line for the concession stand at a concert, you notice a cute guy in front of you. He looks at you and says hi...”
“You see that’s impossible, cause I never go to concerts and even if I did, I highly doubt that there would be a cute guy there by himself,” I interrupted her.
“We are speaking hypothetically here! Just play along.”
“Ok, so what do you do?
Say, “Wow, this is a long line. Lucky for me, I’m in good company.”
Take matters into your own hands and say, “Hey babe, wanna go make our own music before the show?”
Squeak out a hi that probably gets drowned out by the music.”
“Definitely not B.” I said.
“Why not? He seems interested in you.”
Of course that’s what Sarah Jacklin would say. She always goes for what she wants not caring if things don’t turn out the way she wants them too, unlike me.
You see, Sarah is always in love. And she always has a plan. Who she is in love with and what the plan is changes on a weekly basis, but one thing is for sure: Sarah is not one of those people who sit back and wait for things to happen.
This week she is in love with John Anderson Sr., our CEO’s father and the man who started Anderson Advertising fifteen years ago. And all this because her horoscope told her that love will find her in the form of a mature man. From that moment, she was certain that she and John Sr. were soul mates. Regardless of the fact that he was more than twice her age.
“That’s perfect,” she said. “B, I mean. I’m gonna corner John in the office and ask him if he wants to have dinner with me.”
“Yea, ok, just make sure you let me know beforehand so I can be a couple meters away,” I warned her. “He’s gonna laugh till he cries.”
“Deal,” she said carelessly, “anyways A or C?”
“A,” I said after some thought because it sounded safe enough.
“Coward,” she said while circling A for me and B for her. “Okay, ‘There is a new guy at work who is absolutely adorable. What do you do?’”
“Nothing,” I said. “I don’t like babies.”
Sarah ignored my remark and continued.
“'A) You look at him discreetly and blush every time he looks at you.
‘B) You find out if he is new to your city and offer to show him around town.’
‘C) You find out where he lives and casually walk outside his place until you run into each other.’”
I started thinking about Calvin’s apartment on the Upper East Side, across from Central Park. There is no way he would believe it’s a coincidence if he saw me there, considering that I live by the Metropolitan Hospital Center on 93rd St and he lives on Fifth Avenue.
I was trying to come up with a plan when a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts.
“Oh look David, it’s Sarah and Jessica.”
I looked up to see David and Caleb, Calvin’s two best friends, standing right next to our table. Trying to act fast, I tried to pick up the magazine so I can close it, but David was faster.
“‘Do You Attract Guys?’,” he read out. Laughing sarcastically, he turned to his friend and asked, “What do you think Caleb? Do they attract guys?”
Sarah recovered before me and grabbed the magazine from David’s hand giving him a disparaging look.
“Jess and I are actually having a private conversation, Paris,” she told him.
Thankfully they realised Sarah was being serious and the two guys walked away laughing.
I was still frozen in place. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. That was it. My life was over. Or at least my chances of Calvin ever asking me out were now zero. I’m sure Dave and Caleb would tell Calvin and the three would have a good laugh with that loser, Jessica from marketing.
“Jess, don’t worry. This could actually be a good thing,” I heard Sarah say.
“Are you serious? How could this possibly be a good thing? It’s beyond embarrassing!” I said.
“Ok, let’s assume that they heard everything,” she began, “if they tell Calvin, chances are that he will be flattered and look at you in a new light. Therefore, this is exactly what we needed: A little push in the right direction.”
“Is there another option?” I asked.
“Of course there is. That they didn’t hear a single word.”
“Yea, but they saw all of this,” I said. “They saw that we are spending our lunch time looking at this stupid stuff, and they’ll def tell Calvin that we are two desperate losers.”
“What do you mean stupid stuff!? Jess, how many times do I have to tell you that what Cosmo says is true? My God. Get with the program woman. Besides, we discovered that we do in fact attract guys.” Sarah said triumphal. “We were just sitting here, enjoying our lunch, when two guys walked up to us. See?”
Hmm. The sure thing is that Sarah always manages to see the positive side of things.